The Real Cullen Bachelor Party
by oh HALE no
Summary: What really went down the night of the Cullen bachelor party with Emmett, Jasper, and Edward and what happens when the ladies catch wind of it? Read to find out! T for Language!
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Twilight Saga. This was made for readers like you. Thank you. _

_AN: My interpretation of the Cullen bachelor party. A bit out of character for Jasper, possibly. Jasper POV._

* * *

Alice pounced on my back and I smirked, looking behind me. "Why, hello," I greeted her and she grinned, but then became serious.

"No strip clubs," she pouted and I winced slightly.

"You didn't have a—he's not planning to—" I hadn't realized the door was open. As I spun around to maneuver Alice off my back, I saw Emmett standing in the doorway and Alice landed on her feet.

"Like I could get Jasper to go to a strip club, don't make me laugh!" Emmett chuckled and crossed his arms over his chest. "Let alone Edward… c'mon, say goodbye, we're going to have to drag Romeo out of Juliet's bedroom," he said with a grin.

Alice stood in front of me, on her tiptoes, her fingers mindlessly tracing a scar or two that crossed. "Come onnnn!" Emmett whined impatiently behind me.

I pressed a kiss to her lips and set her back on the ground off of my feet before bounding out of the room after Emmett, savoring that last feeling of adoration she emanated to me… It never got old.

"Why are we running?" I asked as I dodged a tree.

"Quick exit," Emmett explained, making a race out of it, that I was clearly winning. "If Edward wants to go back, we'll catch him before he even gets close." He cut me off and I leapt over an overturned tree courtesy of Rosalie's outburst two weeks ago.

"Aha! BEAT YOU!" Emmett growled triumphantly. He paused and pressed a finger to his lips, grinning.

"Oh for the love of all that is holy!" we heard Edward outburst and I grinned.

Emmett hopped up onto the tree and I stayed on the ground, looking up. He scratched the glass with his fingernails and I rolled my eyes. Typical Emmett, but the excitement emanating from him was slowly getting to me…

"If you don't send Edward out," he hissed in a menacing tone that was on the verge of laughter, "we're coming in after him!"

"Go! Before they break my house." I heard Bella's faint laughter and Edward launched outside tackling Emmett to the ground right by my feet.

"Shit!" Emmett growled. "No fair!"

I rolled my eyes and heard Bella's faint voice; "you'd better not make him late."

I didn't even need to see the glance Edward gave me before I bounded up to her window in a moment's time. She was startled at first and then I worked to slow her pulse. "Don't worry, Bella, we'll get him home in plenty of time," I promised, feeling her calm immediately. It wasn't just a false promise. Alice and Rosalie would slaughter us if Edward were late. We had to promise them too…

"Jasper?" I turned, just about to join them, but straightening up on the tree limb. "What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?"

Before I could answer, Emmett growled from below me. "Don't tell her anything!" Edward knocked into his shoulder, laughing as he did so, and Emmett fell to the ground without notice, causing another thud.

I continued to calm her… and myself. "Relax, we Cullens have our own version. Just a few mountain lions, a couple of grizzly bears. Pretty much an ordinary night out." …I hope. At least that was what we did for my bachelor party… and Emmett's third… and Carlisle's second…

"Thanks, Jasper," Bella breathed and I winked before dropping down and of course, landing on Emmett, who groaned.

"THAT'S ENOUGH! We've got bachelor stuff to do…"

* * *

As I leaned my back against a tree, crossing one leg over the other, and crossing my arms over my chest, Edward and I watched Emmett dodging a very agitated grizzly swat away at him and growl. How he could be this amused and not have a care in the world was beyond me.

Edward and I had finished forty-five minutes ago, taking down a mountain lion together, a few deer, and not allowed to take down one grizzly. That was Emmett's turf. Emmett started a competition that we hadn't followed through with. The grizzly tore open Emmett's shirt and he growled louder.

"Rose is going to kill him…" I said aloud and Edward smirked, nodding.

"I can hear you!" Emmett snarled to us, laughing as he finally took down the grizzly. We watched the creature fall limp in his arms and I sighed lethargically. Emmett stood from the bear and glared at me. "I'm sorry, am I boring you?"

"You've taken down every grizzly here. The rule of hunting is to equalize population, not to destroy and entire species," I commented and knew this would start a wrestle, which is what I kind of wanted. Anything better than watching as Emmett leaps from grizzly to grizzly. Edward coughed out a laugh, trying to hide it.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess you're bored of grizzlies and mountain lions. Maybe if a newborn was running around…" Did he really take offense to that? Did I really just HEAR that?!

I pounced and he laughed. "Low blow," I growled, glaring at him, pinning him against a tree that was easily overturned with the weight difference. Edward pulled me back by the shoulders.

"Hey, relax… Jeez, let's just go home," he suggested.

"GO HOME!?" Emmett popped up. "It's not even two in the morning!" He wrapped one arm around my shoulder and one around Edward's, brining us into a huddle. "We just gotta figure out what to do next… hmm—AHA!"

Edward tensed and glared at him. "NO!"

"But, Edward, it will be fun!" Emmett was elated and Edward was a mix between awkward and angry.

"What is he thinking?" I asked Edward.

"Truth or dare, Edward?" Emmett asked as Edward began walking away.

"Oh, please, Emmett! I knew you were childish, but this is ridiculous!" Edward replied.

"Dare, okay, cool!" Emmett grinned, right on his heels. I followed instinctively and truly curious.

* * *

The next thing I knew we were there. "Why are we outside of someone's bedroom window?" I questioned and Emmett grabbed my arm pulling me behind a bush. Edward was reluctantly next to us.

"Jessica Stanley…" Edward muttered.

"The girl who—"

"Thought it was heaven to undress us with her eyes. Yes, that Stanley," Emmett said with a smirk. "Go!"

"Do what?" I asked.

"Not you!" Emmett sighed in frustration and looked at me. "Edward must 'dazzle' Miss. Stanley in her sleep."

"…"

"Go, Edward," Emmett replied after I had no response. Dazzle? DAZZLE her? I think I vomited a bit in my mouth…

Edward sighed and leapt up to her window, opening the window easily and I followed Emmett to beneath her windowsill, the scent of the Stanley house still brought a dry ache to my throat although I had devoured half of the deer population just over an hour ago. Edward was by her bed, which was surrounded by shelves and shelves of stuffed animals and antique dolls. The room was a hot pink; the comforter was an electric bright orange. The worst color combination – so Alice said.

"Jessica," Edward's voice was—seductive? Her eyes shot open and Edward stepped back, but she was sleep—seeing?

"Edward?" her voice was full of wonderment.

"Jessica…" he dropped to his knees. Who knew Edward had a sense of humor? He held her hand that was wrapped in the covers and looked into her eyes. Who knew Edward could act? No matter how cheesy it was… Who knew I could enjoy this?

"Where is she?" She meaning Bella, I was guessing…

"Forget about her, Jessica—let's talk about us! Only us! We're the only thing that matters. Ever since you—"

"Edward…" she tried to cut him off, her eyes closing now and a smile spread across her face.

"No, no, let me speak!" Edward whispered. Emmett bit his fist fighting back laughter. I couldn't help, but hold back a chuckle or two. How Emmett came up with this I will never know…

"Ever since I set eyes on you when we first moved here, I couldn't help, but fall in love with you. Bella was a ploy, Jessica! A ploy for jealousy."

"I was jealous!"

"I am a good actor," he confessed.

"But the marriage!" her voice was louder now.

"There is no wedding except yours and mine!" he whispered, hearing footsteps in the hallway. He let go of her hand and darted out the window, the three of us scattering just as the window shut.

"Edward," she called impatiently and the light came on in her room.

"Jessica—honey?" her mother questioned.

We all made eye contact and decided to disappear back into the woods before we let out our laughter. Even Edward was laughing, being a good sport in all of this. Odd since Bella would probably murder him if she found out. Alice would murder me if I had to… well…

"You will," Edward muttered, his face completely dead pan, looking at me.

"What?!" I demanded and Emmett sighed.

"You're no fun," Emmett complained. "Let's go see Ms. Mallory, Jasper."

…WHAT?!

* * *

The deal between Lauren Mallory and I is simple. When we move to a new town, we spend the first year making all the school functions. Because I was a junior my first year, I brought Alice with me to prom. Alice was ecstatic and I was less than excited.

Edward had been joking with me that the one of the sophomores going had a strong infatuation with me. I ignored his constant teasing, but she did. I could tell from her shift in emotions, from the way she stared at me in the cafeteria. The moodier and scarier I thought I became, the more infatuated she became.

Lauren happened to go to prom with her cousin, but could not stop staring at Alice and I. As the night progressed, Alice became more jealous, Lauren became more confident. She approached me at the center of the dance floor and asked me, her voice shaking with nerves, if she could have a dance.

Before she could answer, Alice blew up, tearing her dress apart – verbally, of course – and grabbing my arm, dragging me out of there. That is why we don't normally go to school functions knowing Lauren will be there. That is also why Alice is protective over the strip club thing. That is also why Lauren Mallory is so damn bitter.

* * *

We were outside her house and I looked over at Emmett with a pleading look, then at Edward. "I had to do it and so do you," Edward replied. I sighed, right in front of Lauren's window, Emmett and Edward on either side of me either to push me forward if I made a run for it, or to watch, I wasn't sure…

I put my hand on the window and opened the unlocked glass easily. "What is up with every girl's bedroom window open in Forks, Washington?" I questioned in a whisper only my brothers could hear.

"Bella started a trend," Edward chuckled lightly.

I slid into her bedroom easily. It was lime green with black painted furniture around the room. The comforter was black and the scent was unappealing… Lauren was asleep on her back, her arms sprawled out; one across her stomach, the other above her head. Her mouth was half-open… I glanced back to see if I could somehow escape… No way.

"Go, Jasper, don't be a coward," Emmett taunted. I sighed and went to her bedside. The smell was almost as horrible as a shape-shifter's. I didn't know that was possible for a human. Edward chuckled at my thoughts. I could hear her father snoring down the hallway.

"Lauren…" I took one or two steps toward her bed. I dropped to my knees and mimicked Edward's position before. "Lauren," I whispered again in a singsong voice. She didn't budge, but merely moaned in response and I looked toward the window. "Apparently not everyone is a sleep-talker," I muttered, about to give up when…

She gasped and sat up. I froze and Edward and Emmett fell out of sight. "Jasper?" she questioned incredulously. I didn't answer at first, but I saw her eyes were closed… Whew.

"Yes, Lauren?" I stood and she kicked the covers aside, standing and following my voice as I dodged her around the room, sliding and slinking over random surfaces.

"You're here—why're you here?" she asked, her arms in front of her, feeling around for a surface as if she were blind.

"For you, Lauren…" This was easier than I thought. He froze and once again, I held my breath.

"What about Alice?" Edward and Emmett were chuckling outside the window.

"Alice is an overprotective fool." Curse me for even speaking this way in jest. "She was rude to you last summer, rude and unjust! It was cruel what she did to you." Lauren nodded in response, taking a step toward me with a furrowed brow and I didn't dodge her close proximity.

"Oh Jasper…" she sighed dreamily.

"I think I owe you a dance," I muttered and Emmett grinned, the moonlight reflecting off of his teeth.

"YESSSS!" He whispered triumphantly, raising his hands in the air and chant-whispering my name over and over. Edward joined in. I glared in their direction, but I had to admit, I was enjoying this… It was humiliating, but great comeback.

I stepped forward and she fell into me, wrapping her arms around my neck. I put my hands on her waist and glided her around the room easily. "Where is my camera?" Emmett grumbled and Edward laughed quietly, but froze. "Jasper, her parents!" he warned me.

I winced as I heard the click of the light switch down the hallway turn on and I pried her arms from around me. "Jasper," she whined and I didn't answer, diving out of the window in a moments time, a millisecond before her father came in with squinted eyes asking her what the talking was from.

We, once again, scattered into the forest and Emmett burst into hysterics, holding his sides. I let out a breath of relief and Edward chuckled as well. "YOU ARE THE MASTER!" Emmett announced, bowing in front of me to his knees. Edward followed and bowed multiple times. "NOT WORTHY! NOT WORTHY!"

"Please tell me before I walk into the house if Alice knows about this or not…" I muttered to Edward and he smirked, nodded, still laughing with Emmett before they tackled each other into a wrestling match.

Last time I go to a Cullen bachelor party…

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**Review, pretty please with Jasper's sensitivity on top?**


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I got about 50 'WHAT ABOUT EMMETT's so I decided to write a second chapter. Again, I feel it's a little OOC of Jasper and Edward to be this happy and have a sense of humor, but so be it._

_Disclaimer: I don't own, I REEEENNNTTT!_

I looked at Edward and he looked at me. We smirked and glanced at Emmett who was still heaving for breath through mid-laugh.

"That was—too—awesome!" Emmett bellowed, catching his breath and opening his eyes, looking at us with amusement and then with sheer horror.

"Come, brother," Edward said with a smile.

"No! It's um—look at the time!" Emmett said and bolted off into the other direction. Edward immediately followed and I heard a thud as he tackled the runaway. We were only a mile or two from our house and Edward sighed.

"What?" I questioned and he stood up, Emmett scrambling to his feet.

"It is too late… it's already five-thirty. I can practically hear Rosalie's foot tapping from here and Alice is wondering where we are," Edward replied.

"Right, so if you'll all excuse me…" Emmett took a step to his right and bolted again. Edward and I kept in a light jog behind him.

_What're we going to do?_

Edward shrugged and my mind began to wander. Alice didn't know about my rendezvous with Lauren Mallory, thank any higher being of this great world. Perhaps I would have a moment alone with her.

Edward faked a gag and went off ahead of me.

I was entitled to this mind wander, especially about Alice. I had months without her mind focused on anything else, but the wedding. The only real conversation we had was of her warning to not set foot in the vicinity of strippers… Rosalie and Emmett were fine with this wedding stuff. They were louder with their relationship, not quieter… The only thing that would make the relationship a little rocky is if we did in fact go to a strip club…

Edward stopped short in front of me and I rammed into him. He merely turned to meet my gaze with a grin and nodded. "You're a genius, Jasper," and he was off. Before I could make sense of the compliment, Emmett was sent launching back toward me and I ducked. He scrambled to find some kind of ground to stop him, but it was too late.

"Where have you been? We told you five. No later than five," Rosalie began scolding as I approached the house, seeing Edward in the doorway. I could sense annoyance, but believed it was coming from Rosalie, since excitement was still prevalent in the house.

"Where's Jasper?" Alice questioned and I was right behind Edward. Alice smiled and took my hand. "Good, let's get you two dressed," she beckoned a finger for Edward to follow. As she led me to the stairs, she picked off traces of lint and dirt off my clothing. "Where'd you all go?"

"Jasper and I went hunting, but Emmett wanted a more traditional bachelor party, if you catch my drift."

I heard a vase shatter and Rosalie turn. "What?" she seethed.

Perfect timing… Emmett bounded through the door. "Not. Cool, Edward," he grumbled, shaking like a wet dog to get the dirt off of him, but Rosalie stopped him and grabbed him by the shirt. "Why, hey, baby," he said with a smirk, but he was cut off with a loud WHACK! And Rosalie dropped his shirt that was torn.

"Wait—what?!" he followed her around the house. Edward and I watched amused, but I realized Alice's hand tightened in a not so encouraging way. I glanced at her and she seemed angry as well… She pulled me into our bedroom, going straight into the walk-in closet without a word.

"WHAT'D I DO?!" Emmett begged.

"Strip club? Really, Em? Was it that much to ask for you NOT to? I know you and I know you'd—"

"I DID NOT GO TO A—" WHACK!

"And I'm sure you're going to tell me your shirt was torn by a grizzly?"

"…yes?"

WHACK!

Dresses were being thrown out of the closet and Edward entered the room. "Door," Alice said from the closet. I looked at Edward and he nodded.

_I told you to warn me!_

Edward shook his head, looking confused, but I ignored him. I sighed and went to the doorway of our walk-in closet hesitantly, catching a few dresses and hanging them back up. She sifted through the clothes and I took a step forward.

"Alice—"

"Where'd I put his suit?" she muttered aimlessly to herself, sifting through my clothes, which took up the back corner of the closet. She had put Edward's tux in with my things to keep it organized, but it seemed to have backfired.

"Alice, darling," I put a hand on her shoulder and she ignored the gesture, her frustration and annoyance was slowly getting to me. "It was just a joke, love, really. Emmett thought it would be funny if Lauren Mallory—"

"Jasper," Edward interrupted in the doorway.

"Lauren MALLORY?!" Alice questioned, turning around and looking at me with confusion.

I looked at Edward with a questioning look. He shook his head once and Alice followed my gaze to Edward and then back to me. "What ABOUT Lauren Mallory?" When I didn't answer, she turned and grabbed two tuxes, handing them to Edward. "Try them both on, show me both of them."

When Edward left the room, Alice's eyes focused on mine. "Explain."

I dove into a G-rated, not that there was an X-rated version, of our little dare. "And Edward had already—but wait… why are you so anxious and frustrated?" I questioned and she sighed.

"I can't see anything…" she seemed to relax, knowing it was just a dare and there was a little comic relief to her anxiety. "Where've you been?" Alice asked as Edward came back in the doorway. "It takes two minutes to put a suit on, and you still don't have your tie tied…" she nodded toward me and I went over to tie my brother's tie. "One hundred ten years and you still don't know how to tie a tie," she mused.

"I was caught in the Emmett-Rosalie battle. It seems our revenge went a little too far," Edward muttered and I finished tying.

"Meaning…"

"Meaning Esme banned them to two different sides of the house, no contact or speaking today until…"

"They'll make up before the wedding," Alice replied and motioned for Edward to turn around. "Nope, put on the other one… out!" she shooed Edward out of the closet and went back to my suits, finding three and holding them up in front of me. "Don't fidget."

"Am I—"

"Forgiven?" Alice asked, not meeting my gaze. "I dunno, you went into some girl's bedroom window last night… A married man in another girl's bedroom window… sounds a little odd for me to just—"

I lunged and wrapped my arms around her waist, holding her tightly and pressing a kiss to her temple, lifting her feet off the ground. She grinned and laughed melodically. "Alright, put me down, you're forgiven."

I obeyed and Edward cleared his throat behind us. Alice smirked and handed me one suit. "Get changed and pick up Renee and Phil from the airport in an hour," she ordered and I pressed a kiss to her temple before leaving the room. "Tie!" she called and I backed up, tied Edward's tie in a second before leaving the room.

I passed Emmett and Rosalie at the bottom of the stairs talking quietly and Rosalie glared in my direction. I sent a quick wave of anger toward Rosalie and she glared at Emmett, her voice getting louder.

"Jasper…" Emmett groaned at me as I passed, but I was already out the door.

A bit of a comic relief was necessary before a full day of undying human bloodlust and corny love songs.

* * *

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